The First Disappointment

Sitting at my desk at the start of my workday, I felt the first twinge of those all too familiar cramps.  No, no, no, no, no! I thought, You’re not supposed to come!

I immediately started trying to justify my symptoms. These aren’t menstrual cramps, I assured myself. These are the kind you get when you’re pregnant. How many times have you heard that early pregnancy signs often mimic PMS?

I headed to the bathroom in an effort to reassure myself that there wouldn’t be any bleeding, but, as expected, all it did was confirm what I had known all along. The bright red evidence was there on the toilet paper. I sighed and shook my head. “Better luck next month,” I muttered to myself as I headed down the hall to get a pad and some Ibuprofen.

I wrote a quick text to my husband letting him know Aunt Flo had officially arrived and two short emails to my mom & a friend who knew we were trying.  “No News This Month” read the subject of the email to my mother. To my friend, I candidly wrote, “My lovely period showed up right on time today in all her wretched glory, just further proving that no changes with my body will ever be a strong indication of if I'm pregnant because my body hates me and will never stop doing fun, new things. I'm fairly certain that my period loves torturing me too much to ever go away.”

As a woman who wasn’t sure that I’d ever want to have kids just a few years ago, and who definitely wasn’t ready when I had a “scare” just a few months earlier (using the word “scare” just seems wrong when you're at the age where trying is acceptable, but what else do you call it?!), it only seems fair that I wouldn't get pregnant the first time I try. Aside from clumsiness, nothing has ever come naturally for me. Why should pregnancy be any different?

But so many of my friends made it look so easy. Two had gotten pregnant their first time trying – in fact, one friend was two for two in getting pregnant on the first try. Another had gotten pregnant the first time they’d had sex without protection. And my sister, who didn’t think she could ever get pregnant, got pregnant with my nephew before they even started trying. But I was not to be amongst those statistics.

All month long, I’d monitored the changes in my body, trying to look for any sign that maybe we’d gotten lucky. However, having had incredibly intense periods for over 18 years now, and with recent experience with ovarian cysts, I’ve learned that my body is extremely sensitive to hormonal changes. Breast tenderness, mild cramping and nausea, and feeling hormonal throughout the month aren’t anything new to me. The only real indication that it might have worked was the light spotting I noticed a week after ovulation, but alas, it was just a red herring.

So for now I can sit back, relax, save money for another month, and enjoy a glass (or two) of wine guilt-free and gear-up for another month of trying, waiting, and wondering.